As Seen On Dating Apps #1
Crafting the perfect dating profile
Author’s note: This dating series was written over the course of the past year (2024). True to my procrastinating nature, I’m just publishing it now.
I’m choosing not to heavily edit the posts and instead let them live as a ‘time capsule’ of sorts. I’ll include occasional commentary in italics from present-Rick, who’s much more experienced in the modern dating-verse than at the start. Now, we can re-watch my evolution together. It’s all a journey or something…
The McRib. Fashion. Jesus.
What do all these things have in common? They come back for a limited time only.
You can now add Orlando’s #1 Bachelor™, Rick (that’s me), to the list.
That’s right - I have re-entered the dating market. After years away, it is finally time to re-open the process for external applicants. It’s been a long road. Frankly though, for the right candidate, this position could easily turn into a DREAM relationship.
Of course, what does every returning product need? An advertising campaign. Otherwise how will people know that they can purchase BBQ pork sandwiches or that there’s a guy trapped in a cave and he’d really appreciate having the entrance boulder moved?
That’s why today I’m excited to announce a new series covering my modern dating experience:
Today we’re covering my own profile. Given the competitive, impersonal nature of modern dating apps, I knew I’d have to craft my presentation. A Rick pitch deck, if you will. Since it’s important to take advantage of other verticals outside the apps, aka organic word-of-mouth marketing, I am presenting my pitch documents to you today. I hope that the buzz generated leads to a kiss from one of Cupid’s many arrows.
So in conclusion, we have rave reviews, a cute guy and plenty of trademark humor. That certainly sounds like a winning recipe in the dating cookbook if I’ve ever heard one.
How well will it perform on these apps? I’ll be sure to keep you updated. (Spoiler from the editor: It is extremely well received, people compliment it constantly. To the guys - don’t try to copy it. I promise you’re not that funny and I’ve really got a good thing going here. Don’t go ruin it by trying to mass-produce charm.)
Additionally, it’s the perfect time for me to be single. That is because, dear reader, Ana De Armas is officially single:
That’s why it’s integral we get the word out about my profile. The best way to do that is to share this article far and wide. Tell your friends and get them subscribed today. The only way to truly reach Ana (or someone else) is a groundswell of conversation. I thank you for all of your support.
I’m going to get published!
This Friday, I’ll be getting my first piece published in Slackjaw, a humor publication.The title is “Greek Mythological Figures Answer Dating Prompts.” It’s a fun one with perspectives from Zeus, Hercules, Hades and more.
I don’t want to overload your inbox by sending out more emails but it is super helpful to get readers on the piece the day it drops so the algorithms that rule us put it in front of more eyeballs. If you’d like to read it when it drops, I’ll be sharing it on Substack Notes, Bluesky, and my IG stories. I’ll probably include a link in the next edition as well.
Comment:
If Ana’s now taken, is there somebody else you think I should aim for?
How long has it been since you were Rick Rolled? Wasn’t it kinda refreshing?
Thoughts on the profile? Predictions for what happens next in the series? I’m all ears.
My favorite line from a genius post: "That’s why it’s integral we get the word out about my profile." The use of WE :) :) :)
Soooooo how do you feel about about a 37 year old woman based in NYC who's very reasonable looking, is a passionate chocoholic and thinks that sort of post is right up her alley. Asking for a friend! Oh who am I kidding....asking for me lol!
Great post!! And I hope Substack is treating you well!!