Cast Iron Pan Embodying The Seven Deadly Sins
It sears. It bakes. It corrupts your mortal soul.
Has your life grown bland lately? Do you find yourself piously recreating the same couple of dishes over and over again? Are you ready to imbue your food with more of the wickedness it deserves?
Look no further than the new Lodge LCC3 Pre-Seasoned Cast-Iron Combo Cooker. Forged in the hellfire of Satan's very own abode of the damned, this pan is America's #1 choice for kindling a fall from grace right in the comfort of your own kitchen.
ELICIT PRIDE
Nothing is more American than building. One glance at the vast concrete jungle we’ve constructed across the continent swells the viewer with gratification. Use this pan to build your own home, swinging it down like the wicked hammer of justice it is. It can pummel approximately 100 nails per swing, assuming a circular distribution pattern.
EVOKE ENVY
After building your dream house, the jealousy of your neighbors is only beginning. Bedazzle thousands more poor, uneducated rubes by showcasing your amateur cooking skills and fancy pan on the population seducing platforms of Instagram and TikTok.
PROVOKE WRATH
Defend your property from the covetous hordes. This skillet is so new, that its black surface hasn't yet been marred by the freshly gored brains of a burglar.
Our brand guarantee: If Kevin McAllister's parents had purchased a Lodge, Joe Pesci wouldn't have made it 5 minutes inside that house before his mushy brains were decorating their overpriced carpet.
AROUSE LUST
Leaving your new home to experience life's charnel delights? Don't forget to bring us along. This cast iron can be worn as a hat for protection. No matter which direction the winds of fate send you, channel your inner Johnny Appleseed and travel America sowing your seed.
EMBRACE SLOTH
Like the overweight hordes of America itself, this skillet is hefty. Forged from cast iron, it has the durability of an old Civil War era battleship. With enough time and use, you too can expand your girth to the point where friends and family will be referring to you as Old Ironsides.
IGNITE GREED
Purchase of this pan is a pact, the cost of which far exceeds the $54.90 list price. Your avarice for its many boons will cost you more than a soul. As payment, this pan must be coddled more delicately than a Chiefs fan after a single missed ref call. Forgo a proper portion of olive oil once and it will rust away before your eyes. Hours of perusing online forums for advice will yield only conflicting, arbitrary tips and tales. Buyer beware.
EMBODY GLUTTONY
This pan can also be used to cook food.
Comment
Are you one of my readers that enjoys the audio voiceover? Trying to gauge the popularity OR if there’s something I could add to enhance that portion.
I used a prototype of this article to try and sell the pan and nobody inquired about it. Are people just boring now?
I gave the pan to charity already BUT if I hadn’t, would you have bought it from me? (you can say yes, this is just for validation so my therapist can say I’m doing good).
I like the audio! I totally would have inquired about the pan but I just bought one. I suppose a second couldn't hurt...
I like the audio, but you should see if you can disable substack's AI audio button. In my android app there's a second play button at the top that I clicked after pausing, and instead of resuming your audio it switched to an AI voiceover.