Even Heroes Get Constipated
Why you're more heroic than you think
It’s 6:09 A.M. The song is Apple’s default Radar alarm. It is the frontrunner for my most hated tune, running just barely ahead of the Friends theme song. My arm shoots out to its predetermined spot. The snooze button buys me another 9 minutes.
For me, it will be another day spent in a hazy fugue state. I have no salvation awaiting me. Coffee, worshipped worldwide as an energy granting elixir, cannot save me. I can’t drink it. Millions of others, grown immune to its effects, will drink oodles of the stuff and still not feel energized. Instead of running sprints like modern zombie movies portray, we end up shambling along like their slower, dim-witted cousins from the 80’s.
Have you ever noticed that so few of our heroes seem to struggle with sleep?
Saving the world, running another mission, staying up till all hours of the night - it’s all par for the course. Almost no movie or TV show portrays these things accurately. Just once, I’d like to see one of these superheroes deal with sleep deprivation. Instead, they just wake up every day refreshed and ready to take on the world.
In Amazon’s The Boys they spend their whole time fighting an evil corporation hell-bent on world domination. In season 2, the main character is sleeping in a room that looks like this:
Give me a break! You’re telling me that he can fight a guy who shoots lasers from his eyes and THAT is the bed he’s sleeping on? No lower back pain, no tossing and turning - just blissful sheep counting here. Even college dorm rooms would be embarrassed to sport that mattress (though the rest of the mess fits right in). Maybe a college kid can struggle through his Finals in such conditions. Fighting superheroes? I’m not buying it.
And we haven’t even touched on other conditions. There are so many daily obstacles that these movies just gloss over. All Frodo and Sam had to eat on the way to Mordor was elf bread. Bread that was hard and never quite went all the way stale. Yet never do we see any of the characters deal with constipation.
Gollum was smarter. He turned down the bread. Probably recognized it for the clogging Imodium fuel that it was. Instead, he spent 500 years eating raw fish in a cave. Quite an extravagant lifestyle. More than that, I guarantee he stayed regular while Frodo spent half his time in the bushes, lamenting the choice of rations. It’s no wonder it took them so long to walk there.
Hollywood cuts out those inglorious moments to focus on the big ones. In life, we do the same on social media. People don’t like to post their lowlights and apparently nobody’s really that interested in Frodo’s bowel movement schedule. I could feed you some line here about not comparing yourself to other people’s highlights. But that’s really generic and you can read shit like that on any old ‘self-help’ blog.
Instead, next time you watch one of these shows, imagine the characters dealing with YOUR defects and problems. Sleep-deprived, constipated, heart issues, whatever. Ground these characters in reality instead of fiction. Frodo might’ve dealt with giant spiders and malevolent wraiths bent upon his death - but are those really that scary when compared to a day full of meetings at work?
Truth is, I don’t think a lot of them would make it. It’s too much to fight evil AND be dealing with kidney stones. And yet, we deal with our own problems every day. Problems that the heroes couldn’t handle. Maybe we’re all more of a hero than we ever truly realized.
Three Funny Things
1 - Oscar Winning Dog
While the cat in the back is unimpressed, I only wish I had this dog’s range as an actor. I’m especially appreciative of the fourth time around where he takes a dramatic pause, looks straight down the barrel of the camera, and finally remembers his line. Robert De Niro better watch his back.
2 - Inky the Cat
Apparently this week’s theme is animals. Didn’t plan it that way but here we are. So check out this short Twitter thread on Inky the cat. You’ll have to click through on the source to get the full story. It’s wonderfully written and the visuals of this cat losing his mind when the Darth Vader of brooms appears later in the story are fantastic.
3 - Bill Burr’s Psycho Dog
I’ll send you off with this classic stand-up clip of Bill Burr talking about rehoming his dog. If you enjoy this and have somehow never heard of him, I highly recommend checking out his numerous Netflix specials. Expect to see more clips of his make an appearance in future editions.
That’s it! I hope you have a great week full of laughter!