Inane Observations
Because there's more than one way to write a newsletter
Another busy week for me equals another week without a full fledged article. Woops, my bad, it’s a busy time of year or I’m just undisciplined or (insert third excuse here so it looks like you’re trying hard, c’mon Rick, you can do it [totally don’t forget to fill this section on purpose {wait maybe do because it could be funnier}]).
As I scrolled through my notes, hoping for a glimmer of inspiration to strike and magically turn into a full-fledged article in my mind, I was left empty-handed. And it’s Tuesday and the deadline for this is tomorrow and that’s a problem and I didn’t really write one last week either so of course everyone reading is judging me and probably thinks I’m just another failure and maybe they aren’t wrong but hey, I’m an improviser, surely I can think of something.
So I did.
What follows is just a series of random, unformed thoughts, observations, and ramblings from my notes. Comedians often ask each other, “Is this anything?” when testing new material. They’re trying to see what works, what stands out, what might be able to be expanded upon. Some of it is garbage. Some of it is gold.
So today, I’m gonna just paste in some of these things from my notes. Maybe you’ll chuckle, maybe they’ll be duds, maybe you’ll think something is really genius and you’ll have even more ideas on how to expand and make an article on it, in which case you should totally reply and let me know which concepts are working for you and which aren’t and maybe I can write something on it.
Okay, enough introductions, here we go:
Aren't we all under the weather? Except people in airplanes or in space? Weather's always above you.
How come when I put on no-show socks, my socks still show from my shoes? Am I the only one this is happening to? What the fuck? I just buy normal socks and they aren’t working right??
Every day, somebody in the world takes the biggest shit that day. The daily record. And we have no way to track this. It's almost inexcusable how much pointless technology we've built and yet nobody has ever tackled this problem.
Did you ever notice how many different types of bags there are? Paper bags, plastic bags, handbags, book bags, old bags, douchebags, scumbag, dirtbag, ballbag. What is the obsession with bags? I bagged that girl. It’s everywhere.
Nobody ever sings metal at karaoke.
What is old people's fascination with fucking cursive?? They act like writing in cursive is the equivalent of landing a spaceship on Mars and our entire generation is too fucking dumb to ever handle it. I swear I have heard old people non-ironically bring up this cursive thing soooo many times. I learned how to write cursive in school - it's not that difficult. But I never write it. You know why? Because it's fucking stupid and pointless.
Nobody cares! I am just so tired of hearing about cursive. Cursive will die with you and your generation and y'know what - we're all going to be a hell of a lot happier when it does. I can't WAIT to never hear about cursive again.
I have a friend who always texts in lowercase letters. What is that? The phones do it for you automatically. It's not like it's something you have to think about or burden yourself with. What are you, too good for punctuation? Think you're above the rest of us now? CAPITALIZE YOUR FUCKING SENTENCES!
When a couple in the friend group breaks up. Now their relationship issues aren't just between them. It's everybody's business now. It creates a lot of unneeded stress and drama for everyone else. Nobody asked to be involved in your thing! Stay together. Be miserable for the rest of us. You're both just so selfish, breaking up with each other and foisting your problems on the rest of us. We've had it!
Some of these are starting to sound pretty good but I’m on a deadline and I don’t have time. What’s the deal with deadlines? Why is it called a deadline? Is a deadline supposed to be a person? Is that why we “meet” deadlines? Does someone die if we miss a deadline? I definitely haven’t died for missing one, and thousands of college students get away with the crime as well. IS someone else dying when we miss one? That would royally suck. A literal dead line could be a row of graves. Or all of your ancestors and your family tree. Or even just a line-up of these guys:
Today though, a deadline is just something I hit. Just like I used to hit pieces of plywood with throwing axes. Boom, done, that’s a newsletter. See everyone next week.
3 Funny Things
1 - Billionaire Reverses Aging (NSFW)
If you’re into reading about health trends and what not, you may have at some point stumbled across an article about Bryan Johnson, a rich billionaire who’s trying to reverse aging by doing a bunch of wild things. Including injecting blood transfusions from his own son. This video is a hilarious take on another unique route the aspiring Dracula-wannabe may want to try out.
2 - DeSantis Inner Monologue
It’s no secret: Ron DeSantis fucking blows. What an absolute tool of a human being. Not only politically, but also just as a normal person. So I’ll take any opportunity to share any and all content mocking this ignorant jackass and today (as usual), The Daily Show delivers.
3 - Dad Joke
I didn’t know there was an ideal way to react to your son being involved in a car wreck. Probably because I’m not yet a dad. However, this is obviously the perfect way and I now feel more prepared if I ever become a dad.
I'd definitely want to read an article on the weather, bag, cursive-writing, and metal-singing prompts! Waiting for those :)