Wiping a Clean Slate
Practical pointers for society’s stragglers
Our lives are spent solidifying how people will remember us after we die. Some are more memorable than others. Lincoln had the Emancipation Proclamation. Michelangelo had the Sistine Chapel. Jesus had the Bible.
Today, I am here to cement my legacy.
What better way to do that than a guide on wiping your ass?
Let’s be clear: the world shouldn’t need this. This is basic stuff that most have mastered by age five. However, I’ve spoken with female friends who have encountered exes with inadequate training. Close Encounters of the Second Kind, if you will. Skid marks are not quite the mark anyone wants to leave with a potential lover.
If this is you, there is still time. There is no need to continue living with an itchy anus. We can save your next purchase of Hanes Comfort-Flex moisture-wicking boxers. There’s no college class on wiping your ass, but there is this article.
For the already hygienic reader, consider passing this along to someone who may need help. Perhaps use it as a supplemental guide for training current or future children. Remember, this is my legacy, so I need it spread far and wide. Which, ironically, is exactly the opposite of what you want to do on your apple bottom.
1) An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure
This is Wally, who will be helping us demonstrate today. Unlike many in society, Wally is on a clean bulking diet. He wants to get swole and ripe so he can spread his seeds on some juicy lady melons.
By contrast, our colons are shaking in fear. Modern food scientists have concocted monstrosities. These culinary Frankensteins should never have been released upon the world. Alas, we must now live with the consequences of our hubris. If you can resist the temptation of ordering the five bean chili dip and washing it down with a thermos of coffee, your future self will thank you.
2) Avoid Supply Chain Issues
When doing his business, Wally comes prepared. He has a roll of toilet paper ready to go and keeps more under the sink. This ensures that in an emergency, he always has a plan. As a bonus, when his lady friends are over, it ensures additional coverage for all of their needs as well.
3) Optional: Buy a Bidet
Bidets are spectacular. Europeans swear by them. Simple hygiene dictates that you should be washing every area of your body. The fact is, if you want to be truly trendy in today’s world, you need to be spraying your asshole with water. Wally bought in and now he loves the way it feels on his backside cleavage.
4) Directional Wiping is Key
Even with a bidet, you may find yourself with remnants that need dealing with. It’s imperative you go in the correct direction when deploying your toilet paper. I know, this is a lot to remember. To help you when you’re in distress and unable to recall the details, simply sing this helpful song with its refrain of “Up, up, and away!”
Wally isn’t embarrassed - he chants it every time he’s in the bathroom.
5) Knowing When To Stop
Knowing when to end something is vital. That applies doubly so here. If you’re reading this and taking away actual advice, you’ve clearly been stopping too soon. Have no fear though - I have crafted this handy chart to answer all of your questions.
Simply print it out, pin it on the wall next to your toilet, and after each wipe you can hold your paper up next to the diagram to determine if it is clean enough. If you aren’t in the Spotless Sector, keep going.
You may be one of these men that my friends have mentioned. If you are, this all may seem overwhelming. If this all seems overwhelming to you, I encourage you to stick with it. If you stick with the program and remember the chart, I have faith you can get there. Wally did and he was finally able to seal the deal with the juiciest gal around: Carly the Cantaloupe.
With that, my task is done. Society is saved. I can already hear future historians remarking on the ingenuity of this guide.
Three Funny Things
1 - Chris Pratt Parks + Recs Bloopers
I love me some bloopers. I timestamped this video to start on one that’s relevant to this week’s piece. The marker line is genius and unfortunately for Chris Pratt, his fellow actors couldn’t hold it in. The entire video is fantastic, especially if you’re a Parks fan (and you should be), so be sure to take it all in.
2 - Where have your pillows been?
Continuing a general theme of gross things, next up is this great clip from a stand-up comedian I haven’t heard of before. She’s got a damn strong point about our collective pillow habits here. This video comes courtesy of Meta’s new Twitter competitor, Threads, which I’m enjoying so far. I’m pretty sure you can view it without a Threads account, but if I’m wrong let me know if it isn’t working for you. You should also definitely sign up and follow her and me as well (@rickjmcclelland).
3 - Mitch Hedberg Highlights
Keepin’ it simple - this is just a highlight of some of Mitch Hedberg’s best jokes. I’ll admit I haven’t deep dived into all of his stuff but everything I’ve ever seen has been grade A, 100% certified gold. I really need to rectify my Mitch deficiency and pull up his old specials. When I do, expect to see more of him occupying this section of the newsletter.